{Panic Attack} My First Nervous Breakdown

Being the person I am, I slept in the hospital with my dad every night from day one. In fact, I rarely left at all. Because he was in ICU there were only two small chairs (to keep room for crash carts) so I slept by butting those up together and somehow managing to fit my overweight self into a sleeping position. Needless to say I didn't sleep.

He was required to be checked on every 2 hours by the nurses and perform their neurological assessment, squeeze my fingers, look into the light, etc. etc.

For the most part I had kept it together well. I had only cried when we were in the ER. It was night 3 or 4 that the lack of sleep combined with the weight of what was unfolding, trying to be the strongest one in the room, and what I'm sure was malnourished finally hit me.

It was around 2 or 3 AM and I naturally wasn't sleeping, so I got on google (big mistake) and started looking up bi-lateral thalamic strokes. To keep a long story short, basically what I was finding was my dad was going to be very messed up for the rest of his life and most likely looking at living his days out in a facility. I kept panning the articles looking for one simple positive story.

Then I had my first, what I assume was, a panic attack. I rocked back and fourth crying uncontrollably and unable to breath for about 3 hours straight until it was early enough to text a family member.

Somewhere in that waiting period, one of the doctors (who I wanted to kill for many other reasons) came in to check on my dad, whilst I'm in the middle of hyperventilating, and asked " Oh, Should I come back later" - Like really dude? Bedside manner much!

My aunt arrived, who as this story unfolds would be the one person who's provided me the most support through this whole ordeal, and sent me home with instructions to shut my phone off and go to sleep.

I was still sobbing the whole drive home, into the house, and to the bed, where I did eventually pass out. Only for about 4 hours, when I called a person who called a person and got me something to calm down.

The next day I went to the doctor and she wrote me a script for Xanax and Zoloft. I never took the Zoloft after reading the potential side effects. Didn't seem like now was a good time for me to be having chemically induced thoughts of suicide. But the Xanax help me keep it together when I knew something stressful was coming. , She of course told me this was a one time script and I need to deal with my shit and not cover it with medication. "It's okay to cry" they say.

I had very serious decision to make and a whole new host of responsibilities all which had to be done with my dads would be ex-wife had he not had a stroke breathing down my throat and in my way left and right - She'll get her whole own post one day..... So yes - I medicated. And I turned out fine.

Disclaimer

Clearly I'm not a doctor and can't/don't suggest you go out and do anything crazy or illegal to obtain pills that you don't know anything about, but on the slight chance you've stumbled on my post in the middle of your 2am googling because your scared, alone, and freaking out in a hospital room - It is, in fact, going to be okay - One way or another. And it is okay to ask for help, whether its asking a doctor to write prescribe you something, or finding someone to talk to. I'm not the talking type - Not my thing, don't share my feelings, am the strongest one in the room - I'm the listener, not the talker.